This story is about a boy – Me, a girl, a condom that’s WAY too big, herpes, and a cat named Stretch!!! True story!
Not so long ago I went out on a celebratory night. We just had our wrap party for a TV show,let’s keep this show on the down low in order to protect the identity of the girl whose ass flared with herpes!!!
Let’s start at a bar in the city. One drink led to another, which lead to 10 others, which lead to cocaine which lead to another drink, and another bump. I might be mixing up the order but I’m pretty sure it was cocaine mixed with alcohol all night long (Kids, I do not promote the use of cocaine, unless you are mixing it with alcohol, then it’s ok).
Well, the alcohol was streaming through my blood and the coke was going straight up my face and elevating my confidence from 5’5 to 6’3.
During this intense 2 ½ hour make out session, it could’ve been 2 ½ minutes but in my mind it lastest hours, I ask her, with a smirk, “I guess things are not working out with the boyfriend, huh?”
And with a straight face, and not a moment’s hesitation, she tells me, she just blew him 10 minutes ago….
Well, that ended that!!! Talk about being late to the party. As the old saying goes if you’re going to make out with a girl that just swallowed her boyfriend cum make sure you do more Coke!!!!
Since I’m not one to mess with tradition: I DID MORE COKE!!! Obviously, there was no shortage of jack Daniels. The coke needed a little alcohol coating to go down smoothly.
Fast-forward one and a half hours later we’re sitting at a friends house….
Now, here we are a couple of no name actors, producers, screenwriters, and makeup artists, pretending like we’re somebody we’re not, at a loft that is too small to have this many people in it. You know the type, somebody with money who can afford to do this much coke and booze and make out with girls who just swallowed their boyfriend’s load? Those kind of people.
I digress, now out of the corner of my eye who do I see? The set designer,let’s call her Sarah, looking at me kind of fucked up from the drugs and the alcohol. At first I thought she was giving me that weird I want you face, but all she wanted to do was go to the bathroom.
I still interpreted her look as “I want YOU, now, come and take me,” again, who am I to say no to a woman who gives me the come fuck me face? I’m not that guy.
I waited for her outside the bathroom, not because she was the hottest, prettiest or even the coolest cat out there, simply because she was the only one that didn’t have a mouthful of her boyfriends cum. And she gave me the look of “come fuck me”–which I later realized was just her clearing her nose from a line she just did!!
Thinking back, the party was actually a pretty small party, 5 guys 3 girls: One guy was dating one of the girls, the make up artist just swallowed her boyfriend’s load, and then there was my girl.
As Sarah stepped out of the bathroom I grabbed her by the breast throwing her into the closet. Once in the closet, she later told me, I aggressively started to finger her as she tried to push me away, but I was too aggressive, focused and determined on the task at hand to stop, was probably the coke or jack or both. Anyway, whatever it was she liked it she liked it a lot I can tell by her juices dripping down my hand.
Things got a little heated as the juice dripped down my hand and that was getting me hard, so I did the only thing that made sense, I told her let’s get out of here and go to your place I would’ve gone to my place but my fiancé and her daughter wouldn’t’ve liked that.
Sarah agreed, and even if she wouldn’t have her vagina was saying a different story.
We get to her house, a little apartment on the first floor of a weird looking hipster building smelled like cats, lots of cats, but who am I to judge? I should’ve judged!!!!! I should’ve really judged!!!!
She starts to introduce me to her cats, I don’t remember all of them, but I do remember the cat named stretch. This guy got his name because she used to grab his arms and he would stretch, hence the name: Stretch. I was too coked out to care, and too focused on the task at hand. Fucking!
We start making out nice and dirty. I do my classic grab the hair and pretend like I’m a pimp from the 1980s. She loves it– but between you and I who doesn’t– I ran my fingers back down her pants, and before she can even make a sound I have three fingers so deep in her vagina I can feel her heartbeat!!!
Now, remember, this girl wasn’t gorgeous but she was a mix between Charlize Theron and the Grinch that stole Hanukkah, and when you’re on Coke and Jack Daniels that’s the perfect combination for a good night, except not this night.
She starts giving me a gentle hipster hand job which is very caring but still looking through her macbook to find out the right song for the mood– she chose Jamiroquai in case you were wondering.
Once the song was set, I start to reach for her ass and this is when things started taking a turn for the worse. I should’ve JUDGED!!!
She kept pushing my hands away from her ass and back to her vagina. I don’t usually care, cuz I like the vagina, I love the vagina, and any other day that would’ve been fine, but what I didn’t understand was that I wasn’t even close to the asshole, I wasn’t even going for the asshole I was going for ass cheek.
Usually, once you’ve fingered the vagina the rest is gravy!!! Not tonight my friends, tonight there was no gravy. Tonight the story takes a difficult twist. She says we have to stop, I immediately start panicking, in my head, of course, not showing any of the internal mess that has driven me to pop xanax regularly, and she tells me to put this on.
By “this” she means a Magnum condom, now by no means am I a 6’6 professional athlete, i’m your run of the mill 5’8 –so i lied a little about my height, as if you’ve never lied!
I look at her and say “I am Jewish and I’m 5 foot 5 where do you want me to put this condom? On my foot?!?”
That’s when I said “what?!?! I’m sorry! Did you just say you have herpes on your ass and it’s flaring!?!?!”
She says: “Yes! but don’t worry I put on a Band-Aid!!!”
I say: “A fucking Band-Aid? Are you sure you don’t have hidden aids.”
And then she says, the funniest thing I’ve ever heard while being naked in all of my life:”Why are you not getting hard?”
that’s when I said: “I don’t know?! I kind of lost the mood.”
And that’s when I knew she was a saint, she asked me: “Well what can I do to make you hard again?”
I said: “I don’t know maybe stop flaring!?!?”
Yes, I did still fuck her, and then slept over. What do you want? I’m Jewish, I have a guilty conscious by nature. It was a mitzvah!
I didn’t really sleep, the entire night I was in full panic mode with no xanax. How the hell do you expect me to sleep?
The next thing I know I’m in the cab with a Haitian telling him my story, once I finish my story, what does he tell me? He says: “Man,I hate when that happens!!!” And chuckles. Let that sink in too.
So that’s my story of a girl a guy a Band-Aid, hidden herpes and a cat called stretch!!!
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