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A Brief History of Blowjobs

Rain DeGrey
Written by Rain DeGrey

Getting one’s knees dirty. Smoking the pole. Mouth milking. Licking the lollipop. Sampling the sausage. Charming the Snake. Call it what you will, there is no denying we humans are extremely fond of sticking dicks in mouths. On the regular and with great relish.

While the first person to look at a dick and say to themselves “I want to put that in my mouth” has been lost to the ages, the history of dick sucking goes way-way back. How far back you ask? Wonder no more and prepare yourself for a brief history of the blowjob!

“The Egyptians were also rather fond of hieroglyphics of men with massive man meat sucking themselves off”

 

As with most sexual history, the Egyptians got in there first (those pervs!) with the myth of Osiris. Osiris was a God that married his sister Isis and was then killed by his brother Set. Set cut up Osiris’s body into 42 pieces, and a mourning Isis recovered all of the pieces of her brother-husband god except one…the penis. Not to be deterred, Isis used “magic” to get the penis back and ended up getting pregnant with her son Horus. While the sacred texts are foggy on the exact details (there are references to swirling around the corpse like a bird and blowing him back to life), I guess it was some of the ol’ mouth magic that allowed Isis to get knocked up by her deceased brother.

The Egyptians were also rather fond of hieroglyphics of men with massive man meat sucking themselves off, but that is the Egyptians for you. The drawings show men with 2 foot long cocks, um, enjoying themselves. Because that dick isn’t going to suck itself you know.

As a patriarchal society, the Romans had very specific views when it came to sucking cock. Noblemen and soldiers were the ones getting their trouser snakes worshiped, and slaves and the lower classes were the ones giving the hummers. To be the person giving the blowjob was extremely humiliating as it demonstrated subservience. In fact, blowjobs were often used as a form of legal punishment. A thief that got caught could be sentenced to suck their victim’s cock as a form of payback.

There is no doubt that the Romans loved their penis, enough, so that much of their daily life was decorated with images of dick. There were charms, statues, paintings and amulets as far as the eye could see. Parents hung necklaces of phalluses on their children to protect them from harm. You could go so far as to say that they were fascinated by cock. In fact, one of the origins of the word “fascination” is from the Roman phallic god Fascinus.

romanphallusAncient Peruvians were open minded and great lovers of the sex-ings, enough so that they dedicated a considerable amount of time to making sexy times pottery. That’s right; there was a culture that made tens of thousands of pots showing incredibly detailed suckfests. Gods, animals, skeletons and people were all featured, and most of these sexpots have been found in high-status burials indicating ritual significance. You have to appreciate a culture that took their blowjobs so seriously.

peruvianpotteryChristians, on the other hand, took a much dimmer view of the blowjob, but then again early Christianity was not known for its sense of humor. A German bishop in 1012 is quoted as saying “Have you swallowed your husband’s semen in the hope that because of your diabolical deed he might burn all the more with love and desire for you? If you have done this, you should do penance for 7 years on legitimate holy days.”

If one single blowjob requires 7 years of payback penance, I, myself, am going to die long before I work off all of my blowjobs.

It took years for the modern blowjob to fight free of the shackles of Christianity and even as recently as a ninety years ago the actor Charlie Chaplin was paying the price for his love of having his helmet tongue polished. According to divorce proceedings, he was charged with having “solicited, urged and demanded that the plaintiffs submit to, perform and commit such acts and things for the gratification of defendant’s said abnormal, unnatural, perverted and degenerate sexual desires, as to be too revolting, indecent and immoral to set forth in detail.” In other words, Charlie had asked his wife for a blowjob. The nerve of some men!

Poor old Charlie had to pony up $825,000 ($11.5 Million in today’s dollars) for his divorce, a number highly influenced by his blowjob request, making it one of the world’s more expensive blowjobs. The $1,180 fine Hugh Grant had to pay after getting caught mid-fellatio with a prostitute in his car is pennies in comparison.

Fortunately for us, in our modern day and age, we take the knob job much less seriously than our ancestors did. It has lost most of the baggage and stigma associated with the act and is now considered a nice and friendly gesture. In fact, according to former US president Bill Clinton, it doesn’t even count as sex! It is more like a handshake. With your mouth. Between good friends. With the bonus factor, that mouths can not get pregnant.

So the next time you are enjoying some good old mouth to genital contact, take a second to be grateful that you are living in a day and age where blowjobs are not meted out as criminal punishment and a love of getting your dick sucked can not be used in divorce proceedings against you. And thank goodness for that. We humans have always loved the sex, but we sure can get all twisted up over it.

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Rain DeGrey
Written by Rain DeGrey
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COMMENTS
  • Traveler6 months ago

    Thank you, Rain, I have to agree that humans do have sex all twisted. Sex is a most Devine gift. Everyone has the equipment, but very few knowledge of it purposes. Mankind was given 3 types of sex #1 Emotional sex (for love)#2 Procreational sex (to populate, multiply) #3 Animalistic sex (for raw physical needs. To often humans in the act of #3 mistake it as #1 which usely winds up a #2. Only when One breaks thier “Earthly Binds” (Jealousy, Anger, Greed, Possesivness, Vanity) etc. Only then can One be truly free.

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